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Drunken Santas, birth's gone horribly, conveniently wrong, and fish death. Yep, you've found a great new source for bedtime stories. More to come.

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Location: Sacramento, California, United States

Sea Monkey devotee since childhood.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Suicide Hotline

Hi, this is Tom. How are you.

Hello...

Do you want to talk? I'm listening.

"I... I want to kill myself. I have a bottle of pills and I want to just swallow them all."

Well okay. You be carefull. I've seen some bad times come about as a result of pills. You really got to make sure that you've got enough to do the job, and to do it quick. You don't want to end up spending the night in the E.R. pukin' and howling while they shove tubes down your throat. That aint going to make things better.

"Uh..."

Look, why don't you tell me why you want to die.

"I don't know. I'm just, my life, it's just, nothing's going on. It's all bullshit and I just can't do it anymore."

Okay. I can see that. You don't have any kind of critical illness now do you.

"No."

Hmmm. That would give you a good excuse and method all in one there. Okay, let's see, have you made your list?

"What list."

Oh come on now. You can't kill yourself without making a list.

"You mean like a will."

No, no, no. You don't worry about that. Letting the living fight over that crap. Gives them something to live for. You need a list of things you gotta try before you go. You got to take advantage of the situation you're in right now. Look, life sucks for all of us when we live with our parents, right? But then we move out and it all changes. You have moved out of your parents house haven't you?"

"Yeah."

Good, good. Now then you can cross that off your list. Go ahead. Get yourself some paper and cross that off. I'll wait.

"Seriously?"

Oh I'm serious. You want to kill yourself, there are things you've got to do.

"Um, okay, I have a pen and pad here."

Good just write that on there, "move out of parent's house" and you can cross it right off. Congratulations.

Now I can only do so much to help you with the list, since I don't know you. If you're on drugs, try quittin' 'em. Don't kill yourself wihout succeeding at that first. If you're not on drugs, try some out. You can't kill yourself without never having tripped on LSD or smoked a bit of weed. You can try the white drugs if you feel you need too, hell what've you got to lose right? Personally, they didn't do much for me.

"Are you for real?"

Oh yes. Now if you're rich, ditch your money. If you aint happy with all that money you may as well get rid of it before you check out. Hell you might save someone else's life, help them get to some things on their list. Your list should be pretty long. Have a threesome, participate in an orgy, travel domestically, travel abroad, hitchhike. Hell, if you're not too worried about dying you've got a-lot of options. Remember though, you are afraid of pain, I mean, you should be, so keep that in mind. And then at the bottom of that list, put 'Commit Suicide', but make sure you do it right. I mean, the last thing on your list should be nice ya know. No shittin' blood or gaspin' for breath, that's no way to go. I think I'd put on some old Stones and slit my wrists in a warm bath, but that's a personal decision of course. I love the Stones. Strange that they're mostly still around. They must have finished up their lists years ago. So great to have a death wish. All the movers and shakers out there do. That's what allows them to take chances. How's that list coming.

"What? Oh, um, good. I filled up the first page."

That's great. Great. Keep going. Oh, and one more thing. Right above 'Commit Suicide', put 'Call Tom and say goodbye'. Could ya do that? Here I'll give you my cell phone number. They're gonna be seeing me out of here. This is my third call and they think I need to listen more.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was entertained.

12:39 AM  
Blogger Keith Lowell Jensen said...

Thanks. To be honest this one is my least favorite. I don't think it's quite finished.

6:08 AM  

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