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Drunken Santas, birth's gone horribly, conveniently wrong, and fish death. Yep, you've found a great new source for bedtime stories. More to come.

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Location: Sacramento, California, United States

Sea Monkey devotee since childhood.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Yuppie Birth Scene

Or: "Mommy, where do high quality name brand consumer products come from?"

Geoffrey grabbed the overnight bag from the closet by door and rushed to start the Saab warming. Geoffrey and Sybil had ordered the bag from “Modern Mommy” magazine and they’d kept it ready and waiting for the last month; waiting for this special night. And here at last it was. Sybil made her way to the car, stopping to complain, “I really hoped we would have the S.U.V. by now. I wanted to arrive at the hospital in style.”

“Honey! This is car is a classic. Besides, we decided to wait until the baby passed the messy stage before getting a new car. And remember, it was you who decided we should wait and not find out the gender ahead of time, which means we have no idea what color interior would be appropriate.”

Geoff and Sybil put on the Baby Bach tape and drove to the hospital, Sybil humming along with the great composer, Geoff secretly wishing for The Eagles greatest hits CD.

At the hospital, in the new, high tech but homey, birthing room Sybil lay breathing heavily and, knowing that her hair was a wreck she decided that not filming the birth was indeed the right idea even if they had just bought a brand new digital camcorder.

Geoff paced back and forth trying to remember his instructions but being distracted by his wife’s faulty breathing. Good God, did she pay any attention to our Lamaze instructor? Geoff certainly had, Sybil suggesting he maybe paid a bit more attention to the attractive, petite, young woman than was required. Where the hell is that Doctor? Sybil’s Spinning instructor, Phoebe had suggested this Doctor. He was, in
Geoff’s mind more of a glorified midwife. The Doctor had trained Geoff to perform the delivery, the Doctor serving as advisor and assistant. He would of course take over in case of an emergency. Apparently this is the way birth was done these days; no drugs, no doctor, and yet somehow more expensive than ever.

The doctor entered the room at last, showing no sign of being rushed. Sorry to interrupt your golf game Doc.

“Well how are we doing here?” the Doctor asked nobody in particular as he communed with various pieces of chiming, beeping medical equipment.

“Well Doc, We’re having a baby!” Geoff answered back sharply, letting his impatience show.

The Doctor, unfazed, checked on Sybil. “Breathing good Sybil.” She was for once relieved at his impersonal nature. Without any make up she preferred not to be looked in the eye.

“Everything seems just fine.” The Doctor didn’t give Geoff a chance to start with the barrage of questions, his attention occupied instead by his cell phone as it began ringing to the tune of The Eagle’s hit, Hotel California. While Geoff certainly appreciated the choice of tunes this hardly seemed the time to be receiving phone calls.

“Yeah, I got in a full eighteen this morning. No, absolutely not. Are you kidding me, my handicap hasn’t been that high this decade. Oh, you are on. I suppose you’ll want to hit from the lady’s tee. Where’s that feminist spirit now?”

Geoff almost didn’t notice the fevered pitch of Sybil’s breathing as he strained to hear what course the Doctor played. He was sure there was some hidden, elite course in this town; though years of searching had so far proved fruitless. His wife’s breathing began to drown out the doctor’s chatter.

“Uh, Doc, I think we’re happening here. Doc, it’s time. Doc!”

“Alright honey, I’ll see you in just a bit. Yes the Motel 7. Right, right, off of the Five. OK sweetie. No, you. No, no You.”

“Doc, Doc, Come on!”

“Alright baby, I gotta go, I got one of them. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Ok, you hang up. No, you. OK on three…one…two…three! You didn’t hang up.”


“I’ll see you there babe. OK, Geoff how we doing?”

“We are stressed the heck out, Doc. I’m not so sure about this. Maybe you should just do the delivery. I mean are you really sure it’s a good idea for me to deliver my own child?”

“Sure, yeah. I mean if that’s what you want.”

“IF THAT’S WHAT I WANT?!? Doctor, this was your idea. You talked us into this. For nine months now!”

“Yes, Yes, Geoff come” The doctor put his arm around Geoff’s shoulders reassuringly as he pulled a card out of his coat pocket and read aloud convincingly. “Shouldn’t you, The father, be the one to bring your child into the world. Why should some doctor be the first person your child sees as he begins his life? Don’t you want to introduce your child to the world? Don’t you want the excitement of being the one to discover the sex of your child? Don’t you…Geoff?”

“Oh Geeze, you’re right Doc. I’m sorry. I feel better. Let’s do this Doc.” Geoff felt like the Doctor had spoken to him as a peer, an equal, a golf buddy. He stepped up to the plate with an extra bounce in his step and prepared to greet his heir.

“Breathe honey, Breathe! No breathe. No, no, no, not like that. What are you doing? Breathe! Like the instructor said, like she taught you!” Sybil was making them both look bad with this inexcusably sloppy performance, and Geoff saw his chances of golfing with the good Doctor slipping through his fingers. “DIDN’T YOU PAY ATTENTION IN THAT CLASS AT ALL!”

The doctor grabbed hold of Geoff and with a few good shakes, and one well-placed slap had Geoff ready to listen to reason. “Geoff, supportive. Now is the time to be supportive. Give her your strength Geoff. Help her to stay calm.”

“Yes! Supportive! Yes! And strength. Give her strength. Yes!” Geoff returned to his post, giving his wife a reassuring Pat on the knee and a double thumbs up. “Good breathing sweetie. Good breathing.”

The doctor gave Geoff a smile that just smacked of tee time. With renewed confidence Geoff realized the big moment had arrived. Geoff started his sentence ahead of time “It’s…” so he could announce the sex of their child at quickly as possible. Sybil pushed, and breathed and pushed. “It’s…It’s a…a…” It was a top of the line, surround sound, name brand DVD player and it landed in Geoff’s hands squarely. Geoff went instantly into shock as he stared desperately at the Doctor.

“Hey, It’s a Sony!” The doctor seemed thrilled. “Excuse me there, Geoff, just gotta unplug the cord here and…there you go. Oh wow, what a beauty.” Geoff snapped back into reality, and realized Sybil was still pushing, seemingly unaware that she had made any kind of delivery. Geoff wondered if more surprises were en route and he couldn’t help but notice the Doctor’s impressed tone as he listed the appliance’s many features.

“Keep pushing there, honey, keep pushing. Oh, and keep your eyes closed sweet. Good, good, keep them eyes closed and PUSH”
Push she did, as Geoff delivered a Nine Iron, followed by a sand wedge, several woods, eventually what seemed to be a full set of very nice golf clubs. The doctor excitedly called for his nurse to bring in his spare golf bag which he began filling. Putting in the last of the clubs the Doctor looked up expectantly, then worriedly. “Uh, Geoff, I think we may have a problem here.”

“A problem! A problem! It took you till now to decide we’ve got a problem. What pray tell could THAT BE?”

“No Putter!”

And with a grunt and a push Sybil allayed the good doctors worry as she all but launched a putter into the world, hitting her husband in the head.

Geoff got himself off the ground, and was near returning to it as he tried to grasp the situation at hand. Rubbing the rising bump on his forehead Geoff noticed the Doctor gripping the handle of a driver lovingly. Geoff felt a tinge of paternal pride.

“Those are good clubs eh Doc.”

“Teitleist Gold Line. These are what I play at…at the club.” The Doctor almost slipped there and Geoff seized the opportunity.

“You think, maybe I could take in a round with ya some weekend Doc?”

The good doctor hesitated and then quickly changed the subject, “uh, I think we got more coming there, Geoff.”

And indeed they did have more coming. With a minimum of assistance, but plenty of encouragement from the medical professional Geoffrey delivered; A bottle of wine-
“An excellent year here, Geoff” a fabulous trip to Mazatlan-“Oh, Matzatlan is great this time of year”, a portable TV- “Oh man this would go great in my Range Rover!”, a cell phone- “Wow, this phone has games, ha ha, that’s Space Invaders! Excellent!”. And a complete set of Cut-Co gourmet knives- “Oh buddy, you’re like a real chef with these!”

Sybil seemed to think she was just having one helluva labor and remained unaware of any strangeness. Though she did ask occasionally what was happening, she accepted the “Keep pushing, your’re doing great, keep pushing” that was offered in response.

She began pushing again, suddenly. Geoff rushed to deliver a sharpening stone or a palm pilot or one of those cool lights that let you read in bed. He was shocked when he was instead pelted in the face by thinly sliced cucumbers, then carrot slices, then diced onions. He turned to the doctor, confusion showing clearly on his face, along with some tears. Onions always had this effect on him.

“You know, I think I know what we’ve got here!” the doctor offered reassuringly, as he reached in and helped Geoff with the delivery. “Ah, just as I thought, A Salad Shooter. These things really come in handy.”

Geoff struggled to keep up with the Doctor in the cool and calm department, but the weirdness of the situation was getting to him. He really began to lose it when his wife opened her eyes and realized something was amiss.

“I demand to know what’s going on!”

”Oh God, Oh God! Doc, she wants to know what’s going on. I don’t know what to tell her. Oh God, What Do I Tell Her?”

“Calm down, Geoff. Keep it together. Now is the most important time to keep your cool. Now listen Geoff, I want you to be sweet and kind. Encourage her Jeff, and hey, you just may get a Rolex out of this!”

“OK, gentle, sweet, Rolex! Well honey, you’re doing great, really! That breathing, my god, top rate, wouldn’t you say Doctor!”

“Most definitely. Some of the finest I’ve seen.”

“Yes, very good. So, um well…there’ve been some complications”. Geoff slipped using the C word in the birthing room and Sybil’s eyes grew large, her breathe panicky. “No, sweetie, nothing bad, um, good complications.”

“Good complications? What the hell is a good complication?”

“Well it’s just that…well…honey…WE GOT SOME REALY GREAT STUFF DOWN HERE!”
Now Sybil was really confused. She sat up, and saw the booty that had amassed at the foot of the bed.

“Its all name brand sweetheart” Geoff spouted, unable contain his enthusiasm any longer.

“Top of the line, Sybil.” the doctor helped.
Sybil looked, dazed and confused and then recognition set in. She’d seen these exact items grouped together before. Understanding flashed on her face and she caught herself revealing too much as she muttered aloud, “Oops!”

“Oops?” Geoff reeled at the reaction. “What Oops? Oops? Sybil! What did you do?”

“Well, you remember when we were trying to conceive?”

“Yes, Yes of course I do”

“And we were making love?”

“Yeah, I remember” My god, do women have no sense of privacy?

“And we had the TV on, to the home shopping network?.”

“Yes. It was just for the volume so the neighbors wouldn’t hear.” Geoff explained to the Doctor who seemed suddenly quite interested.

Sybil continued, guiltily, “Well…I lied! I was watching it.”

“You WHAT? Well I was making love to you, you were watching television?” Did I just hear that nosey Doctor snicker?

“Well it wasn’t exactly romantic. I mean, you were stuffing pillows under my ass, taking my temperature, making sure we did it at the right time of day on the right days!” Geoff looked to the Doctor, who had instructed him to do just these things, and received a satisfied nod as Sybil read her list. “Making me stand on my head.
And I still don’t see how that rubber thing with the spikes was gonna help us conceive!”

“Rubber thing?” the Doctor asked, eye brows raised.

“She’s delirious! So you were bored. Great. You were bored…So YOU SHOPPED? She shopped!”

“Well she’s right, it doesn’t sound very romantic.”

“Oh, don’t you talk to me about romantic Mr. Rolex!”

“Hey, Rolexes are romantic.”

Just then Sybil gave a loud groan and Geoff’s nurturing instincts retuned. “Honey, forget all that. It’s not important now. You just do your breathing, and push sweetheart, push!” and with a good solid push Geoff held in his hands a most beautiful offspring which he held up for his loving wife to admire.

“Honey, it’s the Toaster!”

“Yes!” she answered, full of pride, “The one we wanted, the one with the extra wide slots!”

And the couple joined hands as they recited the ad copy aloud, “For Bagels.”
Then Geoff’s hand received a squeeze that threatened damage to his fingers. There was more!

Geoff got into position. Sybil pushed and breathed and pushed. Geoff coached with all his might. A bright white light shone into Geoff’s face.

“What is it?” Screamed Sybil.

“Push!” Yelled Geoff.

“What is it?”



Geoff, his face lit by the ever increasing light emanating from his beloved’s womb, appeared to her over her knees full of excitement and fear.

“Honey, you know that SUV you’ve been wanting!?”


Anonymous Eugene said...

What in the hell? This is, by far, the strangest post of yours I've come across yet, man. All good stuff, though! Thanks for all the entertainment as I skip school.

6:08 AM  
Blogger Keith Lowell Jensen said...

Thank you.
Yeah, we did this one as a comedy skit, live. It's pretty bizarre. The audio recording of it is rad. I'll tyr to get it up here soon.

9:28 AM  

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