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Drunken Santas, birth's gone horribly, conveniently wrong, and fish death. Yep, you've found a great new source for bedtime stories. More to come.

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Location: Sacramento, California, United States

Sea Monkey devotee since childhood.

Saturday, November 04, 2006


"Look god, I’m trying to do your will but it’s just too confusing. Everyone has their own idea about what you want and you certainly aren't forthcoming with instructions. I can't deal with it any more. So here’s the deal, you come talk to me or forget it. I don’t need a burning bush or a rumbling voice of thunder or nothing but if you want something you gotta let me know. I aint go.." Barry's prayer was interrupted by the doorbell. He considered ignoring it, but then he remembered that he had ordered delivery.

"Sorry God, I think it’s my pizza, I’ll be right back."

As Barry pulled the door open he was surprised and pleased to see a beautiful woman holding a large pizza box. She wore a mini skirt, a sweater and tights with a light coat, her medium length red hair piled up on top of her head. She really was stunning to behold. At seventeen years old Barry is not accustomed to having the attention of such a lovely woman at least five years his senior.

"You order a pizza?" she asked, at last breaking the awkward silence.

"Oh yeah, thanks. How much was that."

"Oh don’t worry. Its on me."

"I don’t have to pay for it?"

"No, Barry Its on me."

"I’m sorry, do I know you? How do you know my name?"

"I’m god. You wanted to talk, remember."

Of course, he was being put on. He wondered which jackass friends of his older brother's were hiding in the bushes. They probably had the camcorders rolling. "Were you listening at my window or something? Who the hell are you?"

"Barry, look at my name tag."

She seemed so sincere. While she was certainly delusional Barry found himself wanting to believe that she was at least innocent. He leaned in and read the name tag pinned to her sweater. It read; Hi, my name is God.

"Oh come on now. That's just ridiculous."

Handing Barry the pizza she pulled out her wallet and piled various articles of identification on the pizza box, describing each out loud as she slapped them down impatiently. "Drivers License, Passport, Green Card, Goldie’s adult video card..."

"Yeah alright, alright, I get it. You're... You're god. Wow. I just didn’t think..."

"That I’d be a woman?"

"That you’d be hot!"

"Ahh, that’s so sweet. Now, am I going to stand out here all night, or are you gonna invite me in?"

"Oh! Oh yeah of course sorry. Come on in." Barry held the door for his guest and then rushed in after to tidy up a bit, kicking his dirty gym socks and embarrassing Garfield pajamas under the bed.

God didn't seem to mind the clutter as she had a seat on the bed and opened up the box, taking a slice for herself and handing one to Barry who took a seat at the far end of the bed.

"Hey, I didn’t order vegetarian."

"Oh yeah, that was me."

"You’re a vegetarian?!"

"Yes sir, that I am."

"But you’re the one that made meat taste so good." Barry laughed and choked a bit on his first bit of pizza.

"Yeah, that’s real cute kid. I've seen that bumper sticker too. You had some questions."

Embarrassed at his failed joke, and remembering the passion he'd felt before the doorbell rang, Barry did his best to take God to task. "Yes, Yes I do. Um... Well, let's start with this, Why all these disasters and bad stuff."

"To punish humanity for the current miserable state of pop music."


"Relax, I’m kidding. Listen, you guys are so big on this free will thing, so, I give it to ya. If you want to blow each other up I let you. And if you want to listen to really crappy music, I let you."

"Well, yeah, but you know, not all disasters are man made. What about the weather?"

"It’s just a part of the plan. Weather is an important part of what you guys have named..." and she made the quote marks in the air as she said "'The natural order of things'" her distaste evident in her voice. "I, by the way actually titled it “Composition in 11 billion parts”. Anyhow part of free will is I’m just gonna let you and the bunnies and the polar ice caps work it all out on your own. You'll work it out. After all, I didn’t give you umbrellas but you thought of them eventually, even if it took a bit longer than I thought it would."

"...and disease?"

"Hey, microbes got a right too. They’re ahead in the polls where I come from you know. But just between us, I put my money on you guys. I mean hey, microbes never invented the naked lady pen." and as Barry stared, aghast, God pulled out a pen, turned it upside down, and watched the black swimsuit disappear off of a shapely blond. "I love these things."

"Um, yeah... Look, what about Noah and the flood and all that."

"Oh, that. Okay, look, I'm gonna level with you here. That, um, that was a mistake."

"A MISTAKE! You’re supposed to be an omnipotent being, how can you have made a mistake?"

"Hey." She snapped back. "I didn’t say it was my mistake. I was on vacation."

Realizing he's pissed her off, Barry went about making nice quickly. "Well I guess an omnipotent being is entitled to a vacation. You go to Jupiter or somethin’?"

"No, Vegas, anyway I got back from vacation and the flood was already happening. I’d told a few of the guys to do some clean up and the lazy bastards had decided a flood would do the job nicely. It was to late to stop it so I put in a call to Noah, made up some stuff about wiping away sin and what not. You know the rest."

"Wow that’s really messed up."

"Hey you cheated on your last midterm am I giving you a hard time? And never mind the thoughts you've been thinking about Sheila since you were ten."

"You know about that?!"

"Relax, it's not so bad. Don't tell your Uncle Bob this, but Sheila, well, she aint actually your cousin, so you know, you're in the clear."

Barry was glad at this news, but more than that he was embarrassed as he ran an inventory on what else God must know about him.

"Okay, look I'm sorry. So, I guess we’re on our own. You don’t interact with us then."

"Eh, you know. I can’t help the occasional little gift."


"Bagels. Those are from me. And knee high socks, which I think are so cute. I was sure you guys would come up with them on your own but I got impatient."

As God went about adjusting the buckle on her Mary Janes it occurred to Barry that she was a bit of a dork. Suddenly realizing that she probably knew he was thinking he decided it best to get back to his questions.

"So what do you want from us?"

"What do you want from me."

"Well different things now that I’ve seen you." as the realization of what he'd just said sank in the young man turned a deep shade of red. He pushed on quickly, "Um, I mean, Just to know you're there I guess. Just to know you're listening."

"That sounds about right. That'll do for me too."

"That’s it?"

"That’s it. What do you want? A list of rules. Okay, be good, be patient with Sheila, she'll be needing a good friend soon, and take care of your teeth. I can't stress that last one enough. Oh, one more thing. Satan and I have our own issues to work out alright. Could you folks Puh-lease leave us out of your tabloids and gossip? I've really had quite enough of it." And with this she stood to leave. "You’re a good guy Barry. Just keep it up. I’ll be around."


"You can call me Sharon."

"Oh, uh, okay, um Sharon. You uh, maybe, um," and Barry surprised himself as he pushed past his nervousness to grab at an opportunity that he never figured he'd have again. "You wanna neck?"

"Nice try kid. I'll see ya later."


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like your version of god MUCH better than the rest of the worlds versions.

I mean, free pizza? Life doesn't get better than that.

10:51 AM  
Blogger Keith Lowell Jensen said...

Hot girl and free pizza, don't forget the hot girl.
The theme of hot girl and pizza appears in a tleast four of the skits I've written for ICBINC.
The devil is a hot girl with a pizza. God as hot girl with pizza. Two comic book geeks are amazed by hot girl with pizza and lastly Pizza Sluts features a classic porno scenario, hot pizza delivery girl.
I guess it's an obsession.

12:26 PM  

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