April Fools Day

Written in a hurry on the day before I am to be wed so it isn't edited and is a jumbled mess, but I like it. Enjoy...

It was April 1st, I thought I was being funny…
I walked into the corner store, where they know me well
I said, "Stick 'em up, this is a hold up!"
And before I could say "April Fools" the red and blue
Lights surrounded the places
Shadows lept every which way
Luckily I found an empty space on a shelf
I lay down in it and pretended I was product
My ruse worked for three days
For three days, I pretended I was made in Taiwan
And all I had to eat were Styrofoam peanuts
packed in with my neighbor The blender
Until, while doing inventory a young employee
Scanned me with the UPC scanner gun
I smiled and my teeth
gave a reading
Apparently, I was on sale

A childless housewife unable to pass up a bargain
Took me to her home, empty, as her husband
Spent all his time on the road getting happy ending massages
In motel rooms
Wishing
He had a conference or sales meeting to attend
She gave me a shower, made me a sandwich
And we made love in the backyard
I said I gotta go now,
she said no,
I own you
I reminded her of the emancipation proclamation
But she claimed it didn't apply to middle aged white guys
How do I pay my debt to you, I pleaded
More love in the back yard?
But apparently I hadn't been as thrilling a lover as I'd thought
She handed me some paper towels and windex
And set me to work on the windows

Her husband came home just then
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, them are my windows,
You're squeezing my paper towels
and his wife, she swooned
Oh baby, I love it when you're jealous
She was pulling his clothes off and making for the backyard

I took the opportunity to sneak out the front door
And put out my thumb
A beautiful young woman picked me up
She said hey baby, you wanna have a little fun
I was still shaken from my failure with the housewife
And I was anxious to get better
I said yeah, that sounds real nice
She said "there'll be a price."
I said "excuse me?", and I realized she was a whore
An old and honorable profession
How much I inquired
Ten dollars a go!
I only intended one time around but at that price
I might go twice
We climbed into the back seat
Oh Baby, Oh Baby, she cried
Ten, Oh Oh, Twenty, Yes Yes, Thirty
I said, hey hey, what's with the counting?
She said honey, I'm counting orgasms
You owe me ten for each one
Oh no, I realized, she counted by HERS NOT MINE!?
It was too late to stop now, so I tried to hurry
And I tried, not to do it too well
But it couldn't be helped and as I finally yelled out
"OH Holy Hell, I'm BROKE!"
She'd gotten over a thousand

I can't pay that I asked, so what do you do?
You callin' some crazy pimp on me?
I don't have a pimp.
I'm a small business owner she boasted
Good I said, A pimp is a dirty awful thing
Now excuse me while I skip out on my bill

I turned to look back and I saw her shedding a tear
She shed another
And I realized there were more powerful things
Than men in furry hats with gold teeth and a limp
"Alright, alright. I said, returning
and I swear them tears ran up her cheek
and jumped back into her eyes
waiting for the next sucker
Park right here I instructed her
I headed into the corner store

I said, "Stick 'em up, this is a hold up!"
And before I could say "I really need the money."
The red and blue lights were back.
I was smarter this time though.
I hid in the grocery aisle
And passed myself of as a box of cornflakes.